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TEL/FAX 0113 273 3556
| THE LADS ARE OFF TO T.T RACES |
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| FANCY A PINT OR 2 OR 3,4,5,6, 7,8, ROB ? |
THE WOMEN GET BETTER LOOKING THE MORE YOU DRINK !
| ALL NIGHT LONG |
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| ALL NIGHT LONG ! |
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
| MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE |
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A man goes into a bar and the barman
greets him most civily with: "Good evening sir, and what will you have."
"That's very good of you, I'll have a whisky."
replies the man.
The barman pours the drink and then says, "There you go sir, that will two pounds."
"I beg your pardon,
sir," replies the man, "but I don't owe you for this!"
The barman just stared, mystified, until a lawyer who happened to
be sitting at the end of the bar bursts out laughing.
"He is perfectly correct, I am afraid. When you asked him what he
wanted, in this contract you made, you made no implication that the drink he desired was in any way other than an offer of
a gift. If he took you to court, I reckon he'd have a case"
The barman was upset, but very impressed with the sagacity
of the man so he said, "Well, you got me there, have the drink on me for being so clever. But, after this, YOU'RE BARRED!"
Next
day the man returns to the bar and the barman says, "Hey, you, I barred you yesterday, now get out."
"I beg your pardon!"
responds the man, "this is the first time I have ever set foot in these premises."
"Oh, I am sorry" replies the barman,
"I think you must have a double."
"Thank you very much," the man responds, "Make it a whisky."
A very old lady goes into her doctors and sits in the waiting room secretly
embarrassed. She eventually goes through to the doctor.
"Now Mrs McLetchie, what can I do for you?"
"Oh doctor!" she
exclaims, turning bright red, "you won't be aware of it, but I have a terrible wind problem. To be crude and to the point,
I fart all the time. In fact I have done about twenty in this surgery so far, no-one notices because they don't smell, and
they are too quiet to hear, but I know I am doing it. In fact I have done about three so far, just in the time I have been
speaking to you."
"I see," said the doctor and wrote out a prescription and instructed the lady to take the pills three
times a day and to come in and see him the following day.
She comes in as instructed, but now acutely embarrassed!
"Doctor!
I don't know what those pills you gave me were but they haven't helped, they've made things worse, I am still farting but
this time they stink to high heavens!"
"Okay," says the doctor, "that's your sinuses fixed, now let's see what we can do
about your hearing."
"Honey, could you come round and
help me out. I 'm stuck with one helluva hard jigsaw puzzle. I've been trying to fit the pieces all night but it's just not
turning out like the design on the box."
"Well," sighs he boyfriend, "Okay. What is it supposed to be "
"A tiger." she
says
So he goes round walks up to the table and stares at the hundreds of pieces.
"Well dear, I can tell you you're
never going to get your tiger from that lot.
"Now, let's put the Frosties back in their box, shall we?
It's the way I tell 'em
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior
says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree,
strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother
Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door,
and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these
blinds?"
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And
forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver
us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen
An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct
their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they
are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well,
that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."
| BUNNY BOILER RAGE |
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| IF YOU DO IT - BEWARE |
Two
hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other
guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says:
"Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the
guy says: "OK, now what?"
Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible
news?" the lawyer asked.
"Give me the bad news
first," said Rodney.
"Your wife found a picture
worth a half-million dollars," said the solicitor.
"That's the bad news?"
asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress," replied the solicitor.
| OLD DUFFERS JUST ENJOY REMINCEING |
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Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with
your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I
SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”
| BOYS ON THE PULL |
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| CAMERA NEVER LIES |
| FOOTSY! |
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It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man - a confirmed biker, married a 23 year old girl. After
a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How
do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old
motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil in that old motor, this one's black."
| I OFTEN TAKE THE WIFE OUT |
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A Norton rider is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting
at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes
and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it
up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the
next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" "No ,"she replies....... "You
just happened to catch my eye."
| GIRLS LIKE TO BOUNCE |
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| MEN LIKE TO WATCH |
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