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TEL/FAX 0113 273 3556
dream
on old duffers !!!!!!!
| BATHTIME BOYS |
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| old duffers on the pull t.t |
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| THATS WHAT I CALL A GOOD BEER MENU |
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Danny” How do you make a psychopath?”
Phil “ With crazy paving!
“
| POP EYE ENGINEERS A GOOD FIT |
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During a visit to a hospital for the mentally ill, a visitor asked the Doctor what the reason
was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Doctor, "we fill
up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than
the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person
would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"
Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed
a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but
he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ... A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced.
His wife can see he's seriously upset. 'What's wrong?' asks the wife. 'Well ... you know that urge I had
to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!' 'I got fired'
says Fred. His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened
with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a
long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear
and custard in the other. The doctor asked, 'what seems to be the problem?' I said 'you have to speak up, I'm a trifle deaf.
| LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP IN |
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want
to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",
he
said "Those are pickled onions".
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool.
One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens
to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go
home dad, you’re drunk.”
| CAN YOU SPOT THE DIFFERENCE ? |
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Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's
the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if
I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God,
if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's
the car'
She said 'In the river'
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice
carton? It said "concentrate" on it!
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman:
Unfertilized.
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I"d like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort
of horse?" said the owner
"A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth" says the dwarf,
"can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes. "Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "can
I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth ... can I thee her eerth?"
the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but once again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's
ears. Nithe eerth", he says ... "Now can I thee her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf by the scruff of his
neck and shoves his head up the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting
him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says ... "Perhaps I should wee fwaze that ... Can I thee her wun awound?"
Danny - What do you call a man
with no arms and no legs in the ocean??????????
Phil - Bob
An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through
the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously,
with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex
with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."
It's the way I tell 'em
Danny “ How do you make a hormone?”
Phil “: Don't pay her!”
Why is that man standing in the
sink ?
He's a tap dancer !
TEL/ FAX 0113 273 3556
Danny - what did the army penis say to the condom?
Phil - Cover me i'm going in!
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first
guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... 'Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist'."
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "
The third
guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... 'Rich, Urban, Biker.' "
The fourth guy says, "I am a
D.I.L.D.O., you know... 'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.'"
They turn to the woman and ask her. "What
are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts
get?
A: Missletoe!
Dan joined
the gym Cos he wanted
to swim, And strengthen
his poor old limbs, He went everyday But
to his dismay Found the
hairs on his head turning grey, What can it be, that’s troubling me? Is it the pain in me knee? No! The problem you see, Between you and me, Was Dans oggling eyes. For he couldn’t stop staring
At what women were wearing. excited at the skin they were baring, He thought his physic, To the girls was a treat, Dan in his speedo’s 30 years
old, God he looked
good and it made him feel bold. Then a
snigger he thought he had heard! From
a busty blond bird in a thong, It can’t be me, I am gods gift you see ! The proof is - in what I am wearing, I’m handsome, and fit and don’t give a shit, ‘She’s well out of order’,
and not got good tits, It wasn’t the testosterones flowing around, That made old Dan suddenly proud. But eruption from his old lycra swimwear, The stitches were weak Giving the gymnasts a treat, And laughter peeled all around. Dan jumped in the pool, Forgetting to swim, that’s when he nearly drowned.! Now much to his dismay, Dan stays away, Cos the gym has banned him from coming. His Speedos were gross, older than most, Displaying poor old Dans plumbing.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin
at you? Run - she is still holding the grenade!
TEL/FAX 0113 273 3556
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